What a crazy couple of months its been. I'm sitting here, home alone, looking at the dining room that I've just redone, and thinking about everything that's happened...

My dad was diagnosed with MS in March last year. 2 months ago, at the beginning of February, my dad had a seizure that caused him to be a completely different person for a couple of weeks, someone that we didn't know, someone he didn't want to be. My dad remembers nothing of those 2 weeks - not sure what the seizure did to him, but we're trying to find out.

Over the last 2 months, dad has been in and out of the hospital numerous times. I'm happy to say that he has regained his memory (except for those 2 weeks!) and that he is getting back to normal, whatever normal may be. He has had so many tests done and so much bloodwork analyzed. You always hope for negative findings whenever these tests are done, but I really hoped that they would find something in the tests. Finding something would mean we had an answer, and that the doctors could fix what was causing the problem. Not finding anything means that its the MS that's causing the problems. I hate to look ahead - if the MS is causing all these problems now, and he was only diagnosed a year ago, then what is in the future for my dad?

I took a compassionate care leave from work to care for my dad. As hard as it was, it was also wonderful. I was there to remind him of things when he couldn't remember anything, help him walk so he wouldn't fall, get him food when he would forget to eat, get him to doctors appointments or take him to the hospital, keep him off the stairs so he wouldn't fall and break his neck! It was a crazy time, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Some people have said that I must be a pretty special person to do this for my dad. I don't think there's anything special at all in what I did - I would like to think that anyone would do this for a person that they love. It has made me believe that family is first and foremost in my life. I always thought that they were, but this experience showed me that I didn't always put them first.

I returned to work this week. It was hard. If I thought it was hard to go back to work after maternity leave with the kids, this was something else completely! At least the kids didn't know any better and would stay at the daycare.... my dad knows what's out there and what he can no longer do, and that has to be hard for him. I can't imagine what it must be like to go from a completely independent, self sufficient person to being totally dependent on others, no longer allowed to drive, not knowing what will happen 5 minutes from now or forgetting what happened an hour ago. When I went back to work, I couldn't even call him because I knew I would just want to leave and go get him from the home! It was a tough week, but I made it through... barely.

My manager has said a few things to me about taking the time off with my dad and its making it really difficult for me to want to be at work anymore. I used to enjoy going to work, and I still love what I do, but I hate the situation that they have put me in. When I originally requested the leave of absence, it was after being off sick for 2 weeks. I was told then that I "seriously damaged the integrity of the company and the reputation of the admin department" as well as that I "would have been fired if I were anyone else and if I hadn't been there for almost 10 years". They didn't want to give me the leave and wouldn't hold my job. I felt like they were pushing me to quit. After looking into it, I found that I was eligible for an eight week leave to care for an ill family member. The company agreed to the leave and had to guarantee my job, but they weren't happy about it. Since being back, I've been called irresponsible for taking the leave. That its my fault the department is behind because everyone had to scramble to cover my duties when I left. I've also been told that the other girl who was doing my job did it better than me, and faster too, so I've been told to "pick up the pace" and to work harder. I heard the other girls talking a few times this week about taking work home at night, and how they'd have to work on the weekend. Its very sad to hear, and I realize that that was me. I used to do whatever it took to get the job done for them, even if it meant that I didn't take the kids to the park or play outside with them. I finally realize that I was making the wrong people happy, caring too much about what the bosses thought. Worse part is that they probably didn't even realize what it took to get the job done, how much work was done outside of my 9-5 hours. They just got used to everything being done when they needed it to be done. In other words, I was walked all over. When I was pulled aside on Thursday morning and told how it was, I spent the rest of the day sitting my office worried out of my mind that I was going to be fired. My heart was in my throat all day. If they are going to fire me, I just wish they'd get it over and done with. I'm tired of the games and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack everytime they walk into my office.

The best part is that I can get another job, but I can't get another family. I need to make them happy, because they are the important ones in my life. These last 2 months have made me happier than I've ever been, and the kids too! I realize that being there for my family is what counts. You don't have to have tons of money (although it sure helps!) to have everything... all you need is your family and you're good. If it weren't for the support of my family and friends as well as tons of help from my dad's best friend (and my angel!), Jo, then I know that I would be locked away in a padded room by now!

There's my last 2 months in a nutshell. I'm back to work again tomorrow, lets hope that things improve...